Reconnection After the Holiday Hangover
We often romanticize that the holidays are “the most wonderful time of the year!” So it’s no surprise that holidays can be hard on relationships.
For so many of us, holidays generate more stress than relaxation. If you’re currently getting over a holiday hangover, we have some good news – you’re not alone.
About 88% of Americans feel more stressed during the holidays than at any other time of the year. Furthermore, the average couple will have seven arguments during the holiday season.
This makes sense when the holidays are marked by challenges like:
Deciding - and feeling guilty about - whose family to celebrate with
Stressing about the extra spending
Wanting to make the holidays perfect for your family/children
Coordinating travel
Feeling overwhelmed with added social interaction
Being thrown off your routine
Don’t panic if your usually robust relationship starts to sting with frustration. Even if you’re not fighting, it’s unlikely you’ve had enough space and time to recalibrate and reconnect.
Knowing that these experiences are normal isn’t enough to move past them. To come back to a meaningful connection and the relationship you both deserve, it’s time to prioritize reconnection through intimacy.
When you’re already drained, it can be tempting to avoid dealing with relationship issues. The irony is that when you put in extra energy, you tend to feel grateful for one another’s generosity and effort, thus making the relationship feel like a place of refuge.
If you feel overwhelmed, you can take one small step in the right direction by thinking about when you’ve felt your relationship was a place of refuge. Some couples enjoy taking the dog for a walk and talking. Some like taking baths together or hopping in the hot tub. Some go to a quiet dinner out. Try to have “Refuge Time” with one another three days a week and notice the impact on your connection.
Guide to Reconnecting: Bring Intimacy Back Into the Equation
As you reconnect, you’ll likely notice that the intimacy you crave in your relationships rests on four foundational pillars. Deepening your understanding of the 4 Pillars of Intimacy helps you brainstorm ideas for meaningful connection with your partner. The pillars also create opportunities for reflection about what you need.
What are the four pillars?
Emotional
Physical
Sensual
Sexual Intimacy
Intuitively, you likely already know when one or more of these pillars is crumbling. Let’s explore ways to rebuild each one.
Repairing Emotional Bonds
A great place to start reigniting a connection with your partner is to build a strong foundation of trust and security. You can work to build this foundation by:
Validating your partner's feelings (especially if they carried most of the weight during the stressful time)
Reminding your partner what you love most about them and how much you appreciate them.
Giving your partner a little gift of appreciation. This doesn’t need to be a physical gift, either. Sometimes the smallest gestures can go a long way.
Reconnect Physically
An important aspect of connecting with your partner on a physical level is to first focus on taking care of yourself. Do you need more rest? Are you skipping meals as you rush around? Failing to meet your own physical needs creates more stress for you and your partner.
Meeting your physical needs for movement, rest, and nourishment together serves as a reset for connection. Prepare and eat a meal together. Hike, bike, or run on a nearby trail. Then, you can find ways to show your partner that you’re there for them and that you can be their rock.
Lighting a Sensual Fire
Flirt with your partner! Flirting with your partner – especially as this person becomes your support system on many different and very deep levels – can feel a little funny at first. You might feel silly or awkward, and that’s ok.
Getting sensual is all about exploring different ways to be intimate and present with your partner. Flirting is a great way to bring you both into the moment while creating some light-hearted fun after a stressful time.
Bringing Sexual Intimacy Back
Whether you were staying with family, hosting, traveling, or just focused on giving the kids their best holiday season yet, it’s likely that sex fell off the map. And in reconnecting with your partner, it’s so important that sex is not forgotten. To fire up your post-holiday sex life, try to:
Have an open conversation about sex. Has it been a while? Are you having sex, but not connecting? Talk about it.2
Make time for sex. Yes, scheduling is ok. It doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be meaningful.
Take initiative. It’s hard to know what your partner is thinking and vice versa, so make the first move and keep the lines of communication open.
Practical Tips to Reconnect With Your Partner After the Holiday Season
First, understanding how your partner gives and receives love will allow you to form an approach that will meet your partner’s needs. Many people find the concept of love languages helpful when working to improve their connection with their partners.
Remember that progress isn’t linear. You’ll have ups and downs as you work to reconnect meaningfully. If you need more practical inspiration for connection and intimacy, we’ve got you covered.
Spend some alone time together.
Plan special date nights and consider making this a regular practice for the new year. You can stay in or go out - keep it simple, or dream big… The important thing here is that you’re limiting distractions and spending quality time together.
Do small acts of service for your partner.
Remember the love languages? Acts of Service is one of them. Taking a chore off their list, preparing a special meal, or giving a massage - these are low-cost ways to show your love through acts of service. When couples do small acts of service for one another - and do so intentionally - they are more likely to form resilience to negativity, stress, and conflict1.
If you’re on the receiving end of an act of service remember that the little things matter. Remind your partner that you value even the smallest gestures. A simple "thank you" can make a world of difference.
Focus on self-care.
We mentioned that one of the reasons the holidays can be hard is because of the added social interaction. Especially coming out of the pandemic where social interactions were limited for some time, being around tons of friends and family can be overwhelming.
Whether your families keep things light-hearted or are bound to bring conflicting topics to the dinner table, managing family dynamics is always a little stressful. Have some consideration for your partner if the holidays are spent with your family and not theirs and vice versa.
Don’t be afraid to take time to care for yourself post-holiday season and use this time to recharge your social battery. And if what you need is some alone time, be sure to communicate these feelings with your partner and let them know that it’s not personal.
Consider creating your own holiday traditions in the future.
Creating new family traditions is a great way to make sure you and your partner feel connected throughout busy times.
Traditions don’t need to be expensive, elaborate, or time-consuming. Bake a small batch of cookies together or order a cookie decorating kit. Enjoy warm drinks and a cozy fire (yes, even a Youtube-video fire counts).
If you have children, finding ways to make the holidays special for everyone can create lasting memories for you all and strengthen your bond with your partner.
Do the boring things together.
The holidays are the only time throughout the year when most people have extended time off from work, travel to see family, and time to relax. While this is great, it can also make life seem a little out of whack.
Routines have more power than we often recognize, so it’s normal that your relationship feels off when the rest of your life is out of focus.
Spend time after the holidays to get back into the groove together. If you’re focused on getting back to the normal day-to-day – going to the grocery store, meal-prepping, exercising – then bring your partner along with you. No matter how mundane the normal things may seem throughout the year, doing the boring stuff together will bring that sense of normalcy back into your life.
Focus on the new year ahead
There’s a lot of pressure in January to make crazy resolutions and fix your life all at once. That almost never works.
Instead, reflect on the great memories you’ve had together in the last year. Talk about what you can do better going forward.
Then, focus on a few practices you and your partner can follow in the new year to make your relationship even stronger. Write out your individual and relationship goals and include simple ways you can help one another accomplish them.
Keep this list in a safe place so you can check back on them throughout the year - this is a great way to remind yourselves of how far you’ve come and reflect on the wonderful ways you’ve been there for each other.
Ready for more?
To learn more in-depth methods to connect with your partner and transform your relationship, check out our couples e-course, Roadmap to Intimacy.