“Penetration for Pros”

Most of us learn that “Real Sex” is vaginal penetration or intercourse. When we lose our virginity, this is what the social script is referencing. While this social understanding of sex may be popular, in my professional opinion, it couldn’t be more incorrect.

When we define “sex” as just vaginal penetration, it leaves out countless couples who cannot engage in this activity because they don’t have a heterosexual, man/woman, able-bodied configuration. Or perhaps you are a hetero, able-bodied couple, but simply don’t find penetration to be the gold standard of sexual stimulation. Whoever you are, and whatever your relationship configuration, the current sexual script is, and always has been, all about “performing intercourse.” This narrative minimizes sex to just genital act, versus a whole body, pleasure-forward experience.

So, rather than define “Real Sex” as the act of penetration where genitals enter an orifice for the end result of orgasm, let’s try on a different definition.

I like to define “Real Sex” as any erotic activity that results in sensual or sexual pleasure. Real sex can include manual play, oral sex, anal sex, solo sex, tribadism, frotting, and yes, vaginal intercourse as well. Sometimes we have an orgasm; sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we have penetration; sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we are alone; sometimes we are with another. There is so much space and permission to explore the diversity of what turns us on when we change the definition of “Real Sex” to be inclusive and comprehensive.